Past still bites..

I’ve decided to share a little background on myself.. so lets open up a can of worms ..

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As a child I was sexually groomed and abused by a ‘friendly neighbour’..

The reason why I have decided to share this is for a few reasons:
If i can make one parent aware that when their childs behaviour starts changing: shying away all of a sudden, becoming withdrawn, reluctance to visit certain people, reluctance to go to events..see if its a link such as one particular person will always be a pin point. You as a parent or as a responsible adult IT IS YOUR DUTY OF CARE to investigate Contact authorities and follow through with appropriate mental,emotional and physical medical help.

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My situation: My sexual abuse happened in the late 80’s early 90’s. I voiced my situation to my mum, friends at school etc but no one took me seriously.. when i told my mum (when i was little) and she didnt believe me or take any action it shattered and destroyed any trust i had in anyone who was “ment to protect you”.. the only person who helped ‘protect me’ was my dad. He found out and straight up threatened the rock spider never to come near us again. Within saying that nothing ever came as a legal follow up, nothing was reported and he got away with it scot free..

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Going back to when I was in grade 3 to grade 4 I was starting to see the world as a different place, a place  filled with predators who hurt little children, a place where it was not longer safe and a place where I would start trusting no one.. During this time we had a neighbor who lived across the road, who threw street parties and the whole neighborhood attended on a regular basis. This neighbor wormed his way into people’s lives with a trusting face and persona; little did anyone know this was just a fake presence to draw you in to befriend someone you shouldn’t. I remember thinking at the time that something was not right with this person, you know the people you meet and your inner voice rings alarm bells saying ‘step away’.. If only I was wise enough to listen… So this is where my life started to change. This man was a predator. Simply put. I don’t know how it all started but I do remember ‘snip it’s’ of the abuse that occurred. Looking back you think of how anyone could be so vial to inflict abuse but being the world we live in its just another factor where evil people think they have the right to take the innocence from anyone they chose. After a long time of abuse from this man, I started to pull back and try my absolute hardest to avoid this man, to avoid his place and to avoid being put in any situation where he would be able to come anywhere near me. Remember that I was only a little girl already with these thoughts built in to protect myself from anymore harm that I knew was wrong. I tried to reach out and tell a few kids a school but nobody listened, to their defense why they would when I was only so young? Why would they when it was thought that ‘children have such imaginations? It came to the point where I changed as a person, I started to withdraw from people, I started to stop being the bubbly little girl, I started to doubt and suspect everyone besides my family and I started to hate the world. After this man moved away from neighborhood  and after a few years of holding onto my ‘disgusting secret’ I remember one pivotal moment where I was laying in bed with mum just talking about school etc.-I just thought ‘no more’ and I told mum exactly what abuse had been occurring. She was shocked to say the least. The things that triggered me off with confidence-or should I say absolute fear as this feral man ‘trying to keep up the happy façade’ repeated random visits to our neighborhood and my house were where I reached my point where I had enough. Enough of living in fear, enough of having to hide every time this putrid man visited and pretending that he was such a kind person… I remember that my mum told my dad and being the man he is and I believe that any father armed with this information threatened that if he ever returned again dad would harm him. To my surprise instantly this man stopped coming around to our neighborhood and especially stopped coming around to our house. This was only a minor solution to the damage that already had been caused.

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Having been through this made me become a very quiet person, very ‘aware’ and withdrawn around anyone I didn’t know and most of all suspect of any men. I learnt a way to deal with this and my ‘escape’ was my dreams. My dreams were a place where I could damage and inflict violence and pain on the man that decided that it was ok to damage such a loving spirited little girl. The other way that I dealt with this was to push everything down, block it out and move on although finding out later in life that using the ‘blocking’ method to cope with hardships is not such a healthy way…Ever heard the saying that too much pressure in the cooker makes it explode?? Later on in life I wondered if I had told the police would he be locked away to be dealt the karma he deserves and knowing that he has two girls of his own now I wonder if his wife has any idea that he is a child predator. I wonder if he has hurt his girls and I wonder if they have the courage to fight back and out him as the ‘rock spider’ he is. But for what it is worth you know you can’t keep playing the ‘what if game’ wasting all your energy and time thinking about all the possibilities. The thing that really made my skin crawl was when my eldest brother passed away and the fucking rock spider showed up at the funeral service. My dad put me straight in the car and locked it for safety when the service was over and nearly strangled the feral. Seriously what a sociopath.

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How has it effected me and how does it still effect me now?
Im not a very cuddly person.. besides my kids I’m definitely not one of those people who do the whole cuddle meet and greet. I Know my abuser has 2 girls of his own and his pathetic wife has no idea about the abuse he did to me…. but what has he done to his own kids?? I really want to take him legally and get comoensation or at least something for what he had done and how messed up its made me. I dont know the length of time that is required to do so tho.. If anyone ever touches my children like that i would seriously take the saying eye for an eye..

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3 thoughts on “Past still bites..

  1. Beautiful. Painful. I’ve suffered at the hands of many abusers, and I felt as though I could be writing these words. No one ever helped me though. Their way of helping is acting like it never happened. And my first abuser was my brother, molested from 6 turned to rape at 10. There were over 20 since him. In one form or another. I feel for you. And am happy there are others out there documenting their journey like me. Good luck.

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      • Honestly, I’ve probably struggled with ptsd my whole life. I believe it was hiding behind my ADHD. My counselor just recognized it when I was sharing my journal entry a few weeks ago. And during that session something inside me switched and I haven’t been the same since. I’m strong in my faith, in my body and mind, was just getting back to work and my relationship was at its peak. Then I got hit with triggers, nightmares, panic attacks, scared to leave my house, crying over everything. I felt like a tiny little girl inside and she was left alone in this big world to fend for herself. It has calmed down a little bit after that first week, but I’m still super paranoid and anxious and still have nightmares and get triggered a lot. I can’t even have sex with my husband or let him touch me, i’m too scared that it will cause nightmares and honestly I have no interest in sex currently, because of all the flashbacks of losing my virginity to my brother. I am just trying to embrace this for what it is, a lesson that God wants to teach me. I am going to become a counselor (completed three years) and this hits me, so I guess I need to deal with this, so I can better understand my future clients. I’m just now starting my process of dealing with it through counseling. I have forgiven all my abusers, so I had thought I was passed it, until just four weeks ago, in that counseling session. It sucks, I fought my whole life to be considered normal and sane, and here I am in the peak of my life, having a mental breakdown.
        Legal help. I am much better at avoiding, even those I did report, it didn’t get far, either Children services closed their cases or never took it to court. One domestic abuse partner I did file charges against and it sucked when he was found not guilty….. his lawyer convinced him we had a rough sex relationship and my concussion, broken wrist and nose, and completely bruised face (and swollen to double its size) was all during some crazy sex. I was very upset that I finally stood up for myself, only to get knocked down, but looking back, I’m happy that I did that, because after all those years, I stood up for myself, even if the jury were idiots and he served no time.
        Ask anymore questions that you would like to. 🙂 my blog is estrella1982.wordpress.com if you wanna check it out. i just started writing in it again, when I had this breakdown. also, I don’t know if you are on facebook, but there are a lot of ptsd groups that are awesome and really supportive. they really helped me in the first couple weeks to get to where I am now.
        xoxo good luck.

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