Garden

Today I’m grateful for :
💚Spending most of the day outside in our backyard with the kids and our fury baby. Involved alot of digging, planting, mowing, water play..
💜My daughter spent a solid 3 hrrs in undies today without accidents
💙My son doing well post surgery even tho he is in alot of pain
💓The warm sun until it became stinking hot..walked into our aircon house and it was bliss
💛 Being able to do more physio on my post surgery hand…omg it kills afterwards but im also grateful for the pain killers.

Green thumbs

Today I’m grateful for :
🐮 Having my kids help me repot and plant in the backyard today.
🐯 Going for a super long walk with mmum and the kids.
🐛 Finally being able to finish my massive blog post about “the past still bites”
🐒 My son reading and sharing books with his sister.
🐷 Sitting and watching embarassing bodies with my son..its priceless.

Past still bites..

I’ve decided to share a little background on myself.. so lets open up a can of worms ..

As a child I was sexually groomed and abused by a ‘friendly neighbour’..

The reason why I have decided to share this is for a few reasons:
If i can make one parent aware that when their childs behaviour starts changing: shying away all of a sudden, becoming withdrawn, reluctance to visit certain people, reluctance to go to events..see if its a link such as one particular person will always be a pin point. You as a parent or as a responsible adult IT IS YOUR DUTY OF CARE to investigate Contact authorities and follow through with appropriate mental,emotional and physical medical help.

My situation: My sexual abuse happened in the late 80’s early 90’s. I voiced my situation to my mum, friends at school etc but no one took me seriously.. when i told my mum (when i was little) and she didnt believe me or take any action it shattered and destroyed any trust i had in anyone who was “ment to protect you”.. the only person who helped ‘protect me’ was my dad. He found out and straight up threatened the rock spider never to come near us again. Within saying that nothing ever came as a legal follow up, nothing was reported and he got away with it scot free..

Going back to when I was in grade 3 to grade 4 I was starting to see the world as a different place, a place  filled with predators who hurt little children, a place where it was not longer safe and a place where I would start trusting no one.. During this time we had a neighbor who lived across the road, who threw street parties and the whole neighborhood attended on a regular basis. This neighbor wormed his way into people’s lives with a trusting face and persona; little did anyone know this was just a fake presence to draw you in to befriend someone you shouldn’t. I remember thinking at the time that something was not right with this person, you know the people you meet and your inner voice rings alarm bells saying ‘step away’.. If only I was wise enough to listen… So this is where my life started to change. This man was a predator. Simply put. I don’t know how it all started but I do remember ‘snip it’s’ of the abuse that occurred. Looking back you think of how anyone could be so vial to inflict abuse but being the world we live in its just another factor where evil people think they have the right to take the innocence from anyone they chose. After a long time of abuse from this man, I started to pull back and try my absolute hardest to avoid this man, to avoid his place and to avoid being put in any situation where he would be able to come anywhere near me. Remember that I was only a little girl already with these thoughts built in to protect myself from anymore harm that I knew was wrong. I tried to reach out and tell a few kids a school but nobody listened, to their defense why they would when I was only so young? Why would they when it was thought that ‘children have such imaginations? It came to the point where I changed as a person, I started to withdraw from people, I started to stop being the bubbly little girl, I started to doubt and suspect everyone besides my family and I started to hate the world. After this man moved away from neighborhood  and after a few years of holding onto my ‘disgusting secret’ I remember one pivotal moment where I was laying in bed with mum just talking about school etc.-I just thought ‘no more’ and I told mum exactly what abuse had been occurring. She was shocked to say the least. The things that triggered me off with confidence-or should I say absolute fear as this feral man ‘trying to keep up the happy façade’ repeated random visits to our neighborhood and my house were where I reached my point where I had enough. Enough of living in fear, enough of having to hide every time this putrid man visited and pretending that he was such a kind person… I remember that my mum told my dad and being the man he is and I believe that any father armed with this information threatened that if he ever returned again dad would harm him. To my surprise instantly this man stopped coming around to our neighborhood and especially stopped coming around to our house. This was only a minor solution to the damage that already had been caused.

Having been through this made me become a very quiet person, very ‘aware’ and withdrawn around anyone I didn’t know and most of all suspect of any men. I learnt a way to deal with this and my ‘escape’ was my dreams. My dreams were a place where I could damage and inflict violence and pain on the man that decided that it was ok to damage such a loving spirited little girl. The other way that I dealt with this was to push everything down, block it out and move on although finding out later in life that using the ‘blocking’ method to cope with hardships is not such a healthy way…Ever heard the saying that too much pressure in the cooker makes it explode?? Later on in life I wondered if I had told the police would he be locked away to be dealt the karma he deserves and knowing that he has two girls of his own now I wonder if his wife has any idea that he is a child predator. I wonder if he has hurt his girls and I wonder if they have the courage to fight back and out him as the ‘rock spider’ he is. But for what it is worth you know you can’t keep playing the ‘what if game’ wasting all your energy and time thinking about all the possibilities. The thing that really made my skin crawl was when my eldest brother passed away and the fucking rock spider showed up at the funeral service. My dad put me straight in the car and locked it for safety when the service was over and nearly strangled the feral. Seriously what a sociopath.

How has it effected me and how does it still effect me now?
Im not a very cuddly person.. besides my kids I’m definitely not one of those people who do the whole cuddle meet and greet. I Know my abuser has 2 girls of his own and his pathetic wife has no idea about the abuse he did to me…. but what has he done to his own kids?? I really want to take him legally and get comoensation or at least something for what he had done and how messed up its made me. I dont know the length of time that is required to do so tho.. If anyone ever touches my children like that i would seriously take the saying eye for an eye..

Pillows

Today Im grateful for:
🌈 Being able to have 30mins sleep..still powering on but i seriously so dont know how with left than 6hrs since wednesday..
🌷New sheets on my huge bed.
🌴Water play with the kids.
🍓Building another pillow/mattress huge picnic in the lounge room whilst trying to relax with the kids watching a movie.
🌹 laughing as my daughter used the hand signal for “come” to our dog.. the dog followed her for 15 minutes and my daughter gave our sog huge gentle cuddles. Very cute indeed.

Saturday

Today i feel like a wreck.. 4 days and still no more than 5hrs sleep. My body is screaming in protest for sleep and i so want to give in but my mind is running non stop.

Today I’m grateful for :
🐙 Gardening. Today my minions found massive tomatos growing and we also have a huge zucchini bush now..
🐉 I finally had the opportunity to fence off the vegie garden so our fury baby doznt nest or sit on the plants.
🐲 Laughing and random cuddles with my family.
🐛 Having the opportunity  (thanks to my mum and little miss sleeping) to get my nails done  Its the only thing i treat myself to.
🐠 Playing with my kids and seeing their little personalities shine bright.

Ggrrrhhh aaarrrggghhh..

Ok so I have basically only had 2 hrs sleep in now 3 days which is really starting to take its toll. .i literally feel like the walking dead. Why no sleep? My body is aching, i have my son recovering from surgery, my daughter is madly cutting 4 teeth so she has disturbed sleep and throw in that my brain wont shut up… so not loving it..

Besides that zombiefied mummy situation today I’m grateful for :
🐞 Being able to read some more of my book. .
🐝 Getting out fury baby occupied by hiding her treats and getting her to find them.
🐳 Rain. Saves me having to water all my plants etc.
🐊 Making a pillow and blanket picnic with the kids.
🐙 My parents who spend equal time with both kids.

Grateful post for the last 5 days

8th Oct: Thursday:
🌸 Upon returning home my daughter ran upto her brother with monster cuddles and kisses then did the same with me. Very cute.
🌼 Cuddles from mum and dad to both my son and myself.
🌻 Our fury baby missed us so much as she whimpered until we let her inside then she never left my son.
🌺 Being able to survive on only 1hr sleep in over 48hrs..powered by coffee.ZOMBIE!!
🌷Literally their is no place like home.
7th Oct Wednesday:
💗 The hospital staff who did a great job on all levels with my sons surgery.
💟 My son who showed alot of strength.
💙 My mum and dad whom had a gr e at time looking after my daughter whilst I had to spend the whole 24hrs in hospital beside my son.
💜 The nursing staff who have me an access pass (staff only) so i could walk the floors at all hours during the night.
💖 My mum for calling and texting us whilst at the hospital and letting my daughter talk away chatting to us.
6th Oct Tuesday:
🐦 Playing in the yard with the kids and fury baby.
🐶 Laughing so hard I almost cried.
🐑 My kids random cuddles and kisses.
🐍 Playing with playdough.
🐷 Drawing with the kids.
5th Oct Monday:
🐢 Bathing the fury baby…apparently mummy has to get saturated as well.
🐋 Laughing as my daughter tries to help washing the dog.
🐖 My son who decided to have a water fight.
🐜 Hot bubble bath after a COLD water play.
🐞 My daughter has developed the hand language of the italians..priceless
4th Oct Sunday:
💞 Lego convention.
💜 Playing in the soft grass with family.
💛 My flowers are flourishing.
💚 Watching my kids enjoying digging in the garden.
💗 The warm sun.

M.I.A

I’ve been absent from blogging almost a week as My son had undergone surgery and is still in recovery mode for the next 2 weeks. When i get a chance i will update.

My magic

This is my magical mini rose bush that I mentioned in an earlier post. It has 3 roses on the one stem, it has a pastel pink and two pale yellow ones.. in the shade they all look white but in the sun you can see the colours..

Today I’m grateful for :
💟Researching my family tree… wow its addictive but also facinating..
💛Meeting family members for the first time and its like we were seperated at birth.
💓Gardening with my kiddies
💜 Finally im almost done typing up a huge blog post about sexual abuse i experienced as a child…stay tuned
💙watching “turbo” with my family.

Internet down

Because of the sevear thunderstoms the internet died last night thus unable to post.

Thursday 1st October i was grateful for;
💟 Being able to do more gardening with my kids and our fury baby.
💚 My 3 headed rose..will take a photo.
💛 My kids having made their own race track and racing each other on their bikes/scooters.
💜 Our feathered babies (birds) who love to snuggle into the kids and whistle as if talking up a huge conversation.
💖 Hearing my kids giggling is priceless.

Today I’m grateful for :
🐢 24hr doctors that came and visited my sick daughter. Cutting 4 teeth and middle ear infections. Glad for the Medicines prescribed.
🐃 Seeing that my kids have inherited their looks and traits from me…yes ive been looking through my baby photos.
🐤 Finally being able to drive my car. Its a manual and its hurts to change the gears with my left hand but I’m determind..on the road again..
🐄 Playing with my home nade playdough i did for my kids… they weren’t really interested but laughed at me (instigated by nana) because i was mad at it creating away.
🐍 My financial winnings on my scratchet. Not massive amounts of money but I am grateful.

Messy

I love this because it explains the reasons why they need mess: as a teacher and working with kids for 10 years I explained to parents countless times: let them play, let them be messy…

Why?? I still remember quite a few parents whom were ” clean paranoid ” and their children.. poor kids ended up with such a phobia and not being able to participate in messy play due to the learned fear created by the parents… LET THEM PLAY and LET THEM EXPLORE

Today I’m grateful for :
💙My daughter doing another poo on the toilet. This is huge as she has struggled with her bowl due to bum tares so its a bonus to be relaxed to go not just for wee but poos as well.
💚My son helping me with the shopping and pranking him with all the halloween stuff.
💛My son cranking up and singing his favourite songs on the radio in the car.
💖My daughter who is very independently too smart.
💟Doing a journal scrapbook for my mum with all her old school photos.

Fur baby

Today I’m grateful for :
🐶Our fur baby being ever so patient with me having to clipper her coat..border collie=thick as coat..so with one throbbing left hand and 45 minutes later including a bath for her and another shower for me..she looks beautiful and she knows it!
🐦My mum who pulled out her nursing skills, had to come back from retirement to reglue and tape my left hand back up as it popped open in a HUGE way..
🐑watching sean the sheep (the movie) with my son whilst little miss slept. I absolutely love sean the sheep!!
🐢My mum who loves watching the sir david attenbrough animal documentaries with my son..
🐄My parents whom spend equal quality one on one time with both of my children.

Freedom take 2

Today I’m grateful for :
💟Being able to get my stitches out from my left hand where i had my sevear carpul tunnel surgery. I still have to put tapes on it just incase 2 incisions split open.
💝Being able to complete painting something special for my daughter with her name on it.
💚 Playing with my kids and tickling them so much they do a laugh combined with a snort
💛 Putting more monsterous sized windmills in our backyard.. very pretty
💜 My baby rose’s are finally in bloom as well as my desert rose.