ugh

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Warning I’m sorry but I might throw a few F bombs in this post as I honestly have just had more than my limitations…

I have been having such a hard time at the moment with Mr. Pre-teen. . It’s like he’s hit the wall of puberty and hormones all at once. I was going ok until this occurred and at the moment I feel like a monster mother who has “that problem child”. He was going really well at school then I don’t know what occurred or what part of his mindset made it ok for him to decide it’s ok to talk back, be rude and have the whole “I’m always right’ attitude.

I’m a very patient person but it’s like he is really trying to push way beyond my limits. I feel like somewhere I have failed as a parent but in all honesty I haven’t. Luckily I have an open relationship with his teacher and she’s comfortable telling me straight (as much as she tries not to sugar coat it, as she is one of those gentle personalities) how his attitude and behavior is at school. I feel like an asshole at the moment regarding my son. He has developed this whole attitude of “I don’t care” towards his academic work and thus his grades are not showing his capacities. He downright won’t do it or he has made this ‘diversion tactic” to prevent himself from completing his work. At home he’s started to talk back and trust me I nipped that situation in the ass real quick. I will not have any of my children think it’s ok to smart mouth, talk back, misbehave etc. I was not raised to think its ok for behaviors like this: I was raised old school with manners. So I have worked my single ass off to make sure that my children have been brought up the same way.

The most frustrating part for me and problem the most hurtful part is the lying. Why not admit that you screwed up instead of making what occurred at school only a half truth. I can’t stand people who lie. Plain and simple. So I made it very clear to my son what my expectations are of him on all levels and also told him that I was utterly disappointed in his poor choices. It really has done such a shitty fucking number on me as I received an email from his teacher on Monday stating how great his attitude and behavior has changed… then Tuesday the bomb drops that she was notified that Friday was such a mess (she was absent so she had to get all the information from the other teachers who replaced her). Argh for fucks sake. I ended up writing this post as this morning before school I received a phone call (at my request on a situation that occurred on Friday *apparently the ‘your mama jokes are the in thing at school and the kids use the most foul descriptive language you would only expect to hear at a construction site-not from primary school).. So the phone call I requested was about that and then she apologized to say that Friday was a really shitty day for my son behavior wise. I feel like I am banging my head against a fucking brick wall with my son seriously. This morning before school I went off like a bomb and in no uncertain terms told him and made it very clear how utterly disappointed I am at him. After such a shocking reality check from me (words only but spoken very calmly) he apparently snapped back into who he really is and had a great day. WHAT?? Why does it have to be like this?? Seriously he knows right from wrong yet at school he has a major brain explosion and thinks it’s ok to play up.?!

 

 

Past still bites..

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I’ve decided to share a little background on myself.. so lets open up a can of worms ..

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As a child I was sexually groomed and abused by a ‘friendly neighbour’..

The reason why I have decided to share this is for a few reasons:
If i can make one parent aware that when their childs behaviour starts changing: shying away all of a sudden, becoming withdrawn, reluctance to visit certain people, reluctance to go to events..see if its a link such as one particular person will always be a pin point. You as a parent or as a responsible adult IT IS YOUR DUTY OF CARE to investigate Contact authorities and follow through with appropriate mental,emotional and physical medical help.

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My situation: My sexual abuse happened in the late 80’s early 90’s. I voiced my situation to my mum, friends at school etc but no one took me seriously.. when i told my mum (when i was little) and she didnt believe me or take any action it shattered and destroyed any trust i had in anyone who was “ment to protect you”.. the only person who helped ‘protect me’ was my dad. He found out and straight up threatened the rock spider never to come near us again. Within saying that nothing ever came as a legal follow up, nothing was reported and he got away with it scot free..

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Going back to when I was in grade 3 to grade 4 I was starting to see the world as a different place, a place  filled with predators who hurt little children, a place where it was not longer safe and a place where I would start trusting no one.. During this time we had a neighbor who lived across the road, who threw street parties and the whole neighborhood attended on a regular basis. This neighbor wormed his way into people’s lives with a trusting face and persona; little did anyone know this was just a fake presence to draw you in to befriend someone you shouldn’t. I remember thinking at the time that something was not right with this person, you know the people you meet and your inner voice rings alarm bells saying ‘step away’.. If only I was wise enough to listen… So this is where my life started to change. This man was a predator. Simply put. I don’t know how it all started but I do remember ‘snip it’s’ of the abuse that occurred. Looking back you think of how anyone could be so vial to inflict abuse but being the world we live in its just another factor where evil people think they have the right to take the innocence from anyone they chose. After a long time of abuse from this man, I started to pull back and try my absolute hardest to avoid this man, to avoid his place and to avoid being put in any situation where he would be able to come anywhere near me. Remember that I was only a little girl already with these thoughts built in to protect myself from anymore harm that I knew was wrong. I tried to reach out and tell a few kids a school but nobody listened, to their defense why they would when I was only so young? Why would they when it was thought that ‘children have such imaginations? It came to the point where I changed as a person, I started to withdraw from people, I started to stop being the bubbly little girl, I started to doubt and suspect everyone besides my family and I started to hate the world. After this man moved away from neighborhood  and after a few years of holding onto my ‘disgusting secret’ I remember one pivotal moment where I was laying in bed with mum just talking about school etc.-I just thought ‘no more’ and I told mum exactly what abuse had been occurring. She was shocked to say the least. The things that triggered me off with confidence-or should I say absolute fear as this feral man ‘trying to keep up the happy façade’ repeated random visits to our neighborhood and my house were where I reached my point where I had enough. Enough of living in fear, enough of having to hide every time this putrid man visited and pretending that he was such a kind person… I remember that my mum told my dad and being the man he is and I believe that any father armed with this information threatened that if he ever returned again dad would harm him. To my surprise instantly this man stopped coming around to our neighborhood and especially stopped coming around to our house. This was only a minor solution to the damage that already had been caused.

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Having been through this made me become a very quiet person, very ‘aware’ and withdrawn around anyone I didn’t know and most of all suspect of any men. I learnt a way to deal with this and my ‘escape’ was my dreams. My dreams were a place where I could damage and inflict violence and pain on the man that decided that it was ok to damage such a loving spirited little girl. The other way that I dealt with this was to push everything down, block it out and move on although finding out later in life that using the ‘blocking’ method to cope with hardships is not such a healthy way…Ever heard the saying that too much pressure in the cooker makes it explode?? Later on in life I wondered if I had told the police would he be locked away to be dealt the karma he deserves and knowing that he has two girls of his own now I wonder if his wife has any idea that he is a child predator. I wonder if he has hurt his girls and I wonder if they have the courage to fight back and out him as the ‘rock spider’ he is. But for what it is worth you know you can’t keep playing the ‘what if game’ wasting all your energy and time thinking about all the possibilities. The thing that really made my skin crawl was when my eldest brother passed away and the fucking rock spider showed up at the funeral service. My dad put me straight in the car and locked it for safety when the service was over and nearly strangled the feral. Seriously what a sociopath.

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How has it effected me and how does it still effect me now?
Im not a very cuddly person.. besides my kids I’m definitely not one of those people who do the whole cuddle meet and greet. I Know my abuser has 2 girls of his own and his pathetic wife has no idea about the abuse he did to me…. but what has he done to his own kids?? I really want to take him legally and get comoensation or at least something for what he had done and how messed up its made me. I dont know the length of time that is required to do so tho.. If anyone ever touches my children like that i would seriously take the saying eye for an eye..

Education

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Let me start by saying.. my son is in grade 5 and to help him with his homework I often have to go and google what the teacher has sent home…

Any other mum’s out their who have this issue?? I have a moment when I’m looking at his homework and thinking “oh my god what the hell is this?! What does this mean? What does the teacher want?” Then thank the angels for GOOGLE. After a quick search and speed reading, it brings back all the things I did learn in school but yet have had no use for it in the real world. Topic for today is: polygons people lets talk polygon shapes..
There are the basic shapes we know but then it gets really complicated like:

  • Quadrilaterals: The word itself broken down is “quad” meaning four and “lateral” meaning side. The shape also has to be a 2D shape to qualify.
  • Rhombus: The rhombus is better known to most kids as the diamond. Get the kids to colour the rhombus and find the triangles amongst it. With four sides and four 90 degree angles, the rhombus sides are all perpendicular.
  • Heptagon: The heptagon is recognised by its seven sides and seven angles. The heptagon must remain a 2D shape and all sides must be closed for it to qualify as a heptagon.
  • Pentagons: are easily recognised by their five sides and five angles. A pentagon also has tree triangles inside if you join all the diagonals.
  • Nonagons: For a shape to qualify as a nonagon, it must have nine sides and nine angles. All of these need to be closed lines and it also must be a 2D shape. There are regular and irregular nonagons.
  • Decagons: The decagon is recognised by its 10 sides and 10 angles. There are 35 diagonals in a 2D polygon.

So as you can see from the examples above, why I went frog eyed in shock thinking “what the hell” and “where have I used these in real life?” I’m not sure about you but I find it easier to relate things to whatever I need to remember. Such as: rhombus= diamond, hexagon = house etc. I have found that my son retains the information better and recalls it easier when we relate to everyday items.

Trying to figure out why my son has started this “I’m not smart enough thought” (as previously blogged about here unnamed (3)) and asked him what happens in class when he doesn’t understand what the teacher is talking about. He has said he asks for help but the teacher doesn’t really tell us anything to remember them by. Bingo mummy has found the solution. So I will let the teacher know that my son finds it easier to associate things to help him learn.. will keep you posted about the progress. Wish me luck

Ugh

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Having a bit of an inner meltdown at the moment. You know the ones where inside you wanna scream or swear like a trooper.. but on the outside you look fine? Thats me. Dont get me wrong i love my mum but all my life she has been a woman of unpredictable moods. She lives in the past, always plays the victim and feeds of it. Me: I’m the rainbow in the downpour: i hate sympathy it litterally makes me mad. I never play the victim as i have held this theory: play the victim and your life stops or cowboy up and laugh about it. Rodeo baby! This afternoon my mum had a mood change and randomly made a nasty comment about my choice to remove my implant. Tried to pass itt off as a joke after i bit back at what she said. Me= i dont take crap. So she got that message loud and clear when i stated im not interested in her game. My whole life with my mother is a head game. I thought f you seriously and just wont talk to her at the moment. Such a nasty person when she has a mood then plays the part of ‘whats wrong with you? What are you pissed at? Etc.’ If i was able to purchase my own house i wouldn’t have to put up with this crap. When shes good its great but when a mood hits you can cut the air with a knife. Anyone have any situations like this or advice?

Zombie ( no sleep mummy)

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Today I’m grateful for :
🐬 My son helping him pull out his aching tooth: 2 days of putting up with unnecessary pain is not on. (must remember TOOTHFAIRY )
👅Finishing one of my books (huge one #2 in series-now already powering through #3).
💙 Watching my kids play on their new swing i put up.
💕 Seeing our vegie garden flourishing.
💟 Seeing how proud my son is when he was able to finish his maths: after fighting about it..and he even enjoyed his sister draw a picture on his homework book so he could show the class tomorrow.

(Im sssoòo wrecked today i feel like im a zombie on my feet= toddler teething 4 teeth at once)

Happy

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Today I’m grateful for:

💗 My budgies= unconditional love given and received.

💖 My dad= spending time with my kids.

💕 Having time to put together the kids wooden kitchen ensemble.

💓 My son= for being able to talk openly with me.

💜 My kids= seriously i couldn’t feel more loved if i tried.

Challenging

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I’m still working out the menu’s etc for this blog… in the meantime you have to laugh at “trying” as my teething bub is and preteen want my undevided attention. Mr preteen looks over my shoulder and states “id like to start a blog about gaming and sis should have a blog about dollies”. funny!

Domestic Violence

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When I had my first child I was in a really bad situation on all levels. Bad relationship of which involved domestic violence on all terms. I ended up such a broken person with such a shattered spirit. People who say “oh why dosent she just leave” honestly have no idea what their talking about. How can someone so beautiful end up such a broken shattered spirit?

Easy. When you start dating someone and they put on a mask pretending to be someone their not, you get sucked into the fake persona. You get ripped off. In my experience you actually fall in love with the person they pretend to be. Later down the track (im talking pass the 9month to 1 year mark) things for me started to crack and small traits showed them true self.

When this happened i thougt “no way seriously he must have been just having a moment..” and insert any other disbelief thoughts in here. Then the controlling started and it happened so fast i didnt know what the hell was happening. Life what you say??

Verbal abuse, snide comments, demeaning remarks, being selfish, hiding that he was smoking tobacco and later on (after i had sone the runner) found out was drug using, stripped me from my friends, family, isolation, physical abuse and the list goes on. Funny how on the outside everyone thought everything was normal. The difference was at home it was hell. I bless and im so greatful for “lifeline” as i called them in tears countless times. I had a really stupid family doctor and when i showed him the physical abuse he just very ignorantly put me on anxiety medications, wrote notes on my file and sent me on my way. What the fuck?! Doctors are ment to report this and have a duty of care!! He had me 4x the maximum dosage which inturn made me completely numb on all levels as a person and enabled me to cop more floggings without being able to speak up.

Moving on… i was smart enough to take photos of everything, kept a secret diary written in code which later on proved to be key point evidence into why i have been granted a life long domestic violence order and sole custody of child #1. It came to the point i did the runner after a few weeks of reparing the damage the ex caused to my family and thankfully i was accepted back with loving arms,hugs and many tears and apologies from both myself and my family. When your that broken from all his damage you dont notice what had been done by him behind the scenes. I suffered serious anxiety attacks, panic attacks and post traumatic stress including horrific nightmares from that person. Im so glad that something snapped inside myself and especially with help from my mum whos a retired nurse was shocked to say the least at the medication i was placed on, negligence from the g.p on all levels and helped me to see the shining light at the end of the tunnel.

If your in that situation no matter what anyone says, when you are so deep in that hole you cant see or think clearly. Their are so many thoughts or ideas that women who stay are stupid etc but let me tell you THEIR NOT. Im a highly educated woman with many degrees under my belt but at the end of the day looking back at how you fall in love with someone who puts on a fake face/persona etc for almost a year… you tell me how you would feel… so if you know anyone whos in any situation like this: talk to them. The smallest thing like saying “hi are you ok” could be their turning point where they have their life changing moment of “enough is enough” and realise it’s not normal and relationships are not ment to be this way.

Postnatal Depression

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I’m going to be completely honest here: when I had my recent bub (#2) a few weeks in I started hitting the emotional wall= I turned into a mess. I was normal around everyone but I  had random times when I lost it and turned into a blubbering mess with this came an instant crashing wave of emotional black hole. I’m not a person who easily cries. It’s a major thing esp very minimal sleep your brain and body think its ok to mess with your head and i felt like shit. Mum’s a retired nurse and she was keeping an eye out for pnd (Postnatal Depression). I think for me it lasted a month but man when those moments hit randomly it was the most horrible feeling in the world. Post natal depression isn’t something that’s talked about much and it should be.

When I had my first child I was in a really bad situation on all levels. Bad relationship of which involved domestic violence on all terms. I ended up such a broken person with such a shattered spirit. People who say “oh why doesn’t she just leave” honestly have no idea what they’re talking about. It came to the point where I had such a traumatic c-section and being in such a horrid relationship its like my emotions switched off to the world like I went completely numb. The only light at the end of the tunnel was the emense love, joy, wonder, happiness etc I felt for my child. I had the “silver back gorilla” protective instinct kick in at the same time for my bub and that’s when I started putting everything in motion to escape. Long story short I ran,never looking back and I have been granted sole custody with no contact thank god.

What was your experience?? Did your Postnatal Depression just: disappear? Had to seek medical help? Had to be prescribed medications? Had bad feelings towards bub/family? Had bad feelings towards self?

I will also put up a post about my journey of domestic violence

Finally!

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Anyone know how challenging it is to try and link my blog, twitter and pininterest account whilst having only a few minutes here and their… hehe think of this: you might as well switch a blender on without a lid. Needless to say im completely loving the challenge!

What your NOT TOLD after giving birth

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Seriously there’s ALOT that the midwives, doctors and hospital staff DONT TELL YOU what happens when you go home after giving birth. If i had of been told these things i probably could of saved myself the major freak outs of thinking “OH MY GOD what is going on with me”.

Heads up if you’re squeamish then be aware this is descriptive and ive been lucky enough to find photographs that show what im talking about. Being brutally honest here because i was not told this could/would happen from the hospital or any maternity staff.

After i left the hospital, 3rd day after having a c-section it was a couple of nights later when about 11pm ish i was burping my baby after a feed as an instant “holy shit something is wrong”feeling kicked in… so with bub in arms i went straight into my mums bedroom. After a few minutes i finally woke mum up and asked for help to take my bub whilst i had immense gut pain. As soon as mum took my bub i felt this massive gush like i just peed out a river only to look down and instantly say “oh my god!!!”… i went straight to the toilet, sat down and it looked like i had just bleed out my intestines!! without being gross it looked like chopped up liver mixed with clots. So cleaned everything then went and had a quick shower. After that i went and told mum and she’s a retired nurse she said: didn’t they tell you at the hospital its the ‘clean out’ your womb etc does after giving birth. I said no way. So i called the birthing clinic explained the situation and yep she said “oh love i’m so sorry its not written in your notes and they should have told you upon discharge”. Seriously!! The last thing a mum with a new born baby needs is for them making me think i was bleeding to death or something was majorly wrong.! Ugh. Anyone else had situations like this??

I couldnt really find anything that showed exactly what i was trying to describe… so i found this brave ass woman who took a picture to show you what “losing your guts looks like”. Seriously now you can see what i was taking about. If i had of been shown this i wouldnt have had the massive panic attack i did thinking “my guts are falling out”.

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