Long time between blogs

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So I’ve not been able to get on and post anything for a while. Its been a tad crazy with both my kids being sick, I had a major crash and burn health wise and also my mum has been in these really crap high and low moods ie: happy one minute then being a total asshole the next. It’s really put pressure on the house emotionally and I have had to hold my tounge so many times I feel like a big verbal explosion of hateful truths will be spewed out of my mouth and she wont like it one bit of it. I honestly can’t understand the logical thought process of someone thinking it’s ok to be a total ass on all levels and then the next minute showering happy glittering fairy dust everywhere. When this happens oh my god she makes everyone around her feel like a monsterous blackhole as just engulfed everyone and everything surrounding her. It’s her pattern and I’ve had to deal with her feral mood patterns all my life. I wish she was honest with herself and told the doctors the truth on her mood rollercoaster but within saying that: how can she state the truth when she can’t see her destructive learned behaviour.  Honeslty if she did or the the doctor asked me about her behaviours then I would be blunt and honest as anyone could possibly be… I whole heartily grantee that she would be diagnosed with either; bipolar or manic depression and put on medications. It genuinely sucks to be around someone like this who won’t get help, who keep taking their feral moods out on everyone around them, in turn dragging everyone down with them. My only point of venting my complete frustration of her is here. Argh… I honestly feel like im pulling my hair out whilst banging my face against a brick wall…

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👼

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Today I’m grateful for :
🐞 being able to have a nap with my daughter. I’ve been so I’ll since i had my carpul tunnel surgery in september and today i felt like i could have slept standing up..very unusual for me!.
🌷More halloween decorations made with the kiddies.
🍇 making another blanket and pillow picnic with the kids. All 3 of us are ill..
🍦 watching my daughter tap my son on his arm, said his name, put her hand to her mouth and said dum..this indicating she would like her dummy. Once he returned with one she kisses him and said ta without being asked. Cute!
👜  Laughing as i finally get to have a pee by myself with the door closed. .honestly 2 seconds later our fury baby thumps herself at the closed door and sighs waiting until i finish . priceless..

Anyone with me?

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wpid-img1439090343638.jpgAny mums out their who have those moments where you just feel like screaming “what the hell is going on”??.

This morning I after a very tough night with little miss, who is teething and having a world record for the most times to wake up during the night.. I feel like a zombie just going through the motions. I laugh at the advice they give you: if you’ve had a really rough night with your bub/toddler sleep when they do…. That makes me laugh.. I’m not a very good sleeper at the best of times and often about once a week I hit my crash and burn wall on the weekends. Brain explosive idea today: I’m going to try and have a sleep when my daughter does.. so I tried.. you know how you feel like your walking dead weight from so much exhaustion and sleep deprevation you feel like you’ve been put on slow motion? Well that was me today..

So little miss had been asleep for about 10 minutes before I picked her up out of her porta cot and carried her to my bed..double checked with mum if its ok and my son just said “seriously I love you but you look like your eyes are bleeding their so red. Nan and I are going to have our time anyway.” So yep she’s still snoozing and I feel like I’m about a blink away from sleep. All comfortable, eyes closed and Its like my brain is laughing at me with a million thoughts pumping through my brain.. getting a tad irritated here as my body is screaming for sleep.. So I’m thinking nope I need to have just 20 minutes. ..brain: hahaha now after 15 minutes I’ve given up as my brain is still laughing at my attempt.. I’m not happy.. get up and end up downing more coffee after I move a sleeping angel back into her porta cot whilst I play xbox with my son..

Seriously note to brain: you really irritate me sometimes.!!

Wow

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Today I’m grateful for:

  • The workers who came and started finally fixing our house.. Should be back to normal living as work finishes this Friday.
  • The warm sun on such an icy cold day!!
  • My daughter making her new “stink face” oh  my god this makes me instantly laugh!
  • My son having his new confidence and self belief and worth in his abilities with doing his school work.
  • Seeing my dad go gushy over my kids.. he’s not been like that before with anyone.

Old school MANNERS

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This Personally irritates me. I have noticed that so many people have no manners or even grasp the concept of using manners. Their is nothing worse than hearing kids say “I want etc etc”, society on a whole has just become so rude. I personally have been raised with the old school manners rule. I’m also raising my children that way. Its lovely to hear so much positive feed back on how wonderfully mannered they are then followed by “I wish some children were like that” This isn’t a rant on how children are spoilt brats etc this also includes all ages.

What are old school manners you say??
👍Looking people in the eye when talkin to them
👍Always say please and thank you..ever heard this “whats the magic word?”
👍Talk to people, engage in conversation not being so distracted by your mobile etc
👍Introduce yourself
👍Respect your elders
👍Dont interrupt conversation.. wait for a pause and say excuse me..
👍Dont stare its rude
The list goes on. Basically its all the SMALL STUFF that is forgotten.

For adults I’ve noticed hardly anyone uses their manners. Seriously and the worst offenders I get most irritated by are people driving and people who cross the crossings these days dont even put their hand up to signal thanks. You know if people we actually aware that if they just used the “thanks signal” by waving or putting up their hand to indicate thank you, I would bet this would be a major contributor to down grading road rage. Think about it: have you ever let someone indicate and enter your lane when its peak traffic and you became pissed off at their rudeness. .. how much of a difference would you feel if they signaled thanks? Thank simple action acknowledges you and their gratefulness of letting them in.
I would seriusly value if anyone took the time to comment and acknowledge they read this.

Honest

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Ok. I’m going to be honest and put this out in the open: I want to have my last baby. I want to fall pregnant and have my last child. Call it intuition but I’ve had this mad feeling that I want and need to have my last child. How? Well considering im happily single with 100% custody of both kids: I need my implanon out and I asked my g.p if I could go to a donor clinic. His simple answer is yes. He was and always been up most helpful with anything medical that I have and this time I couldn’t be anymore grateful if I tried. He is one in a million. So what next? Well im not that type of person who has one night stands/casual sex etc sorry its just not me. I asked a lot of local fertility clinics and they don’t just implant donor sperm. I went back to my g.p and told him the news and he said “lucky for you I’ve got quite a few lesbian couples as patients. I asked them how they go about getting pregnant via donor sperm..” he handed me a list of information with a handwritten note saying good luck.. so here I’m on the hunt for high quality donor sperm… oh how times have changed!!wpid-download.jpg

Implanon implant…

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wpid-images.jpgOh my god. I have had a few of these implants in my arm and let me tell you they’re not all wonderful like their made out to be. Firstly here are the different body reactions they apparently have: (I have attached the website to the description below)

The most common side effect of IMPLANON® (etonogestrel implant) is a change in your normal menstrual bleeding pattern. In studies, about 1 out of 10 women stopped using the implant because of an unfavorable change in their bleeding pattern. You may experience longer or shorter bleeding during your periods or have no bleeding at all. The time between periods may vary, and in between periods you may also have spotting.

Besides changes in menstrual bleeding patterns, other frequent side effects that caused women to stop using the implant include: Mood swings, Weight gain, Headache, Acne, Depressed mood

Other common side effects include:
Headache, Vaginitis (inflammation of the vagina), Weight gain, Acne, Breast pain, Viral infections such as sore throats or flu-like symptoms, Stomach pain, Painful periods, Mood swings, nervousness, or depressed mood, Back pain, Nausea, Dizziness, Pain at the site of insertion. This is not a complete list of possible side effects. For more information, ask your health care provider for advice about any side effects that concern you.

My Experiences Were:
🎯1st implant: I had my period heavy as for a constant 6 months at a time. I felt like I should have had shares in the tampon companies as I had to buy super tampons like they were lollies! Needless to say after dealing with a heavy flow non stop I had it removed.
🎯2nd implant: I had some periods but they were random as. I had to carry around spare tampons for the “just incase. It was like ‘bam gotcha’ with an instant clotting downpour. This went for a 2 years so I had it removed.
🎯3rd implant: I hardly had them at all and this was a pleasant surprise! My body would go months without anything then if I did get my periods they were super light. Thank god!! After a year I had this removed as I wanted to fall pregnant with my 2nd bub.

Ok: after I had this taken out it was like my body went into pay back mode. Flooding, heavy as periods just made me feel like crap. I was also living on pain killers as any other woman who bleeds heavily..it kills the stomach..so I asked my doctor about why it was so bad and apparently my body was on ‘cleanse mode’..lasted 5 months then I fell pregnant!! After I had my 2nd bub I decided to get the implant back in my arm, not that I was up or interested in sex but I wanted to control my periods..
🎯4th implant: I got it put in and so far its back to random lengthy periods. I have just had my periods for 4 months… yes ladies it’s not a typo.. 4 months! Needless to say its got to come out.

You’re probably thinking why keep going back to getting the implant?
👍Its easy to forget
👍Dont have to take the pill which has to be taken the same time everyday. The pill also makes me sick, cancer medications im on for life don’t coincide peacefully with it… neither does anything else. It’s either have this or nothing.. so I’m having it removed to give my body a break.

Any women brave enough to share their experiences??

Light when its raining

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Today I’m grateful for :
💗 My mum who watched my minions whilst I was able to get my nails done (my one and only indulgence/treat).
💖Sharing the feeling of hot blankets i just pulled out of the dryer with my kids.
💕 Having my toddler tell me ‘poo’ or ‘wee’ whilst running to the toilet or potty. Celebrating with a dance and a stamp!
💜My son who helps without having to be asked.
💓God bless my mum who has my kids addicted to watching “the bold and the beautiful”..seriously the theme music plays and everyone drops and runs to sit with nana.

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Today I’m grateful for :

💗 The magical time of 2pm-2:45pm. This is when i am able to read my favourite novels whilst waiting to collect my son from school.
💟When my son opens the car door ready to leave school he has the biggest smile on his face. I love our conversations haha and nothing is off limits.
💜Being able to make little curtains for my daughters wooden kitchen. She thinks they’re amazing.
💛My daughters smile. When she wakes up from her sleeps, she looks at me and has the biggest smile. Its beautiful.
💙Watching my mum,son and daughter dancing and singing/watching “time of my life” video clip on youtube countless times..smiling and laughing!!

Challenging

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I’m still working out the menu’s etc for this blog… in the meantime you have to laugh at “trying” as my teething bub is and preteen want my undevided attention. Mr preteen looks over my shoulder and states “id like to start a blog about gaming and sis should have a blog about dollies”. funny!

Domestic Violence

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When I had my first child I was in a really bad situation on all levels. Bad relationship of which involved domestic violence on all terms. I ended up such a broken person with such a shattered spirit. People who say “oh why dosent she just leave” honestly have no idea what their talking about. How can someone so beautiful end up such a broken shattered spirit?

Easy. When you start dating someone and they put on a mask pretending to be someone their not, you get sucked into the fake persona. You get ripped off. In my experience you actually fall in love with the person they pretend to be. Later down the track (im talking pass the 9month to 1 year mark) things for me started to crack and small traits showed them true self.

When this happened i thougt “no way seriously he must have been just having a moment..” and insert any other disbelief thoughts in here. Then the controlling started and it happened so fast i didnt know what the hell was happening. Life what you say??

Verbal abuse, snide comments, demeaning remarks, being selfish, hiding that he was smoking tobacco and later on (after i had sone the runner) found out was drug using, stripped me from my friends, family, isolation, physical abuse and the list goes on. Funny how on the outside everyone thought everything was normal. The difference was at home it was hell. I bless and im so greatful for “lifeline” as i called them in tears countless times. I had a really stupid family doctor and when i showed him the physical abuse he just very ignorantly put me on anxiety medications, wrote notes on my file and sent me on my way. What the fuck?! Doctors are ment to report this and have a duty of care!! He had me 4x the maximum dosage which inturn made me completely numb on all levels as a person and enabled me to cop more floggings without being able to speak up.

Moving on… i was smart enough to take photos of everything, kept a secret diary written in code which later on proved to be key point evidence into why i have been granted a life long domestic violence order and sole custody of child #1. It came to the point i did the runner after a few weeks of reparing the damage the ex caused to my family and thankfully i was accepted back with loving arms,hugs and many tears and apologies from both myself and my family. When your that broken from all his damage you dont notice what had been done by him behind the scenes. I suffered serious anxiety attacks, panic attacks and post traumatic stress including horrific nightmares from that person. Im so glad that something snapped inside myself and especially with help from my mum whos a retired nurse was shocked to say the least at the medication i was placed on, negligence from the g.p on all levels and helped me to see the shining light at the end of the tunnel.

If your in that situation no matter what anyone says, when you are so deep in that hole you cant see or think clearly. Their are so many thoughts or ideas that women who stay are stupid etc but let me tell you THEIR NOT. Im a highly educated woman with many degrees under my belt but at the end of the day looking back at how you fall in love with someone who puts on a fake face/persona etc for almost a year… you tell me how you would feel… so if you know anyone whos in any situation like this: talk to them. The smallest thing like saying “hi are you ok” could be their turning point where they have their life changing moment of “enough is enough” and realise it’s not normal and relationships are not ment to be this way.

Postnatal Depression

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I’m going to be completely honest here: when I had my recent bub (#2) a few weeks in I started hitting the emotional wall= I turned into a mess. I was normal around everyone but I  had random times when I lost it and turned into a blubbering mess with this came an instant crashing wave of emotional black hole. I’m not a person who easily cries. It’s a major thing esp very minimal sleep your brain and body think its ok to mess with your head and i felt like shit. Mum’s a retired nurse and she was keeping an eye out for pnd (Postnatal Depression). I think for me it lasted a month but man when those moments hit randomly it was the most horrible feeling in the world. Post natal depression isn’t something that’s talked about much and it should be.

When I had my first child I was in a really bad situation on all levels. Bad relationship of which involved domestic violence on all terms. I ended up such a broken person with such a shattered spirit. People who say “oh why doesn’t she just leave” honestly have no idea what they’re talking about. It came to the point where I had such a traumatic c-section and being in such a horrid relationship its like my emotions switched off to the world like I went completely numb. The only light at the end of the tunnel was the emense love, joy, wonder, happiness etc I felt for my child. I had the “silver back gorilla” protective instinct kick in at the same time for my bub and that’s when I started putting everything in motion to escape. Long story short I ran,never looking back and I have been granted sole custody with no contact thank god.

What was your experience?? Did your Postnatal Depression just: disappear? Had to seek medical help? Had to be prescribed medications? Had bad feelings towards bub/family? Had bad feelings towards self?

I will also put up a post about my journey of domestic violence

Finally!

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Anyone know how challenging it is to try and link my blog, twitter and pininterest account whilst having only a few minutes here and their… hehe think of this: you might as well switch a blender on without a lid. Needless to say im completely loving the challenge!

What your NOT TOLD after giving birth

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Seriously there’s ALOT that the midwives, doctors and hospital staff DONT TELL YOU what happens when you go home after giving birth. If i had of been told these things i probably could of saved myself the major freak outs of thinking “OH MY GOD what is going on with me”.

Heads up if you’re squeamish then be aware this is descriptive and ive been lucky enough to find photographs that show what im talking about. Being brutally honest here because i was not told this could/would happen from the hospital or any maternity staff.

After i left the hospital, 3rd day after having a c-section it was a couple of nights later when about 11pm ish i was burping my baby after a feed as an instant “holy shit something is wrong”feeling kicked in… so with bub in arms i went straight into my mums bedroom. After a few minutes i finally woke mum up and asked for help to take my bub whilst i had immense gut pain. As soon as mum took my bub i felt this massive gush like i just peed out a river only to look down and instantly say “oh my god!!!”… i went straight to the toilet, sat down and it looked like i had just bleed out my intestines!! without being gross it looked like chopped up liver mixed with clots. So cleaned everything then went and had a quick shower. After that i went and told mum and she’s a retired nurse she said: didn’t they tell you at the hospital its the ‘clean out’ your womb etc does after giving birth. I said no way. So i called the birthing clinic explained the situation and yep she said “oh love i’m so sorry its not written in your notes and they should have told you upon discharge”. Seriously!! The last thing a mum with a new born baby needs is for them making me think i was bleeding to death or something was majorly wrong.! Ugh. Anyone else had situations like this??

I couldnt really find anything that showed exactly what i was trying to describe… so i found this brave ass woman who took a picture to show you what “losing your guts looks like”. Seriously now you can see what i was taking about. If i had of been shown this i wouldnt have had the massive panic attack i did thinking “my guts are falling out”.

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